Fave TISM Rant

[Captain Sensible]

One of my favorite TISM diatribes about being in Melbourne in the late '80s. From "The TISM book of little asthetics."



When I go to Chasers I pay at the door
Then I gaze in wonder at the dance floor.
There are girls here with socks up to their knees
Standing around in two's and three's
Each one more beautiful than the one before
And none as gorgeous as number four.

I stand in mute admiration
At girls you would never see at Westall station -
Hair blonde, teeth white, skin brown, jeans tight.
Would they look this way if they turned up the light?
Oh, not for me to question why
just for me to wait for the eye.
Well, I know you'd never believe me (of course)
But I'm not really here for sexual intercourse:
Half of me wants to leer and smirk
And the other half wants to set them homework
It might seem pretty gauche - but, well,
I really feel like I'm at the PLC social.
Oh, what beautiful girls - and yet
Which one could name a song from "Beggars Banquet"? -
Because I can.
In their inner city homes
Which one of them could play early Stones?
What could they tell me about Jimmy Page
That I didn't know already when I was their age?
What interest have I in their girlie cohorts?
I'm not going to wear knee lenth fucking shorts.
With one of those girls it just wouldn't work -
I think Robert Smith is a poofter and Morrisey's a jerk,
I think getting drunk isn't such a big thrill -
The smell of ouzo and raspberry makes me feel ill.
They would ask me what's it like to go to Tech,
If I went skiing down Bulla I'd break my bloody neck,
If I took them out once I'd feel like a pose,
If I took then out twice I'd've run out of clothes.
So when I get to Chasers I'm content to look
Because even if I thought I had what it took
I know I'd be crossed off their little book
Because I didn't go to Xavier and my dad's not a crook. Sunday night at Chasers - what's there left to tell?
It's like being in heaven and feeling like hell.
I know it's trite to say pleasure is like pain
But why else should I want to go back again?
I'm trapped forever unless - of course - jubilation!
Next week I'm gonna go to Inflation.

[Captain Sensible]

And this one from great truckin' songs...



Morrison Hostel
Jimbo, boy, you're a crock of shit
You're a boozed, selfish thug
Why don't you give your mouth a go?
And in the other hole, put a plug.

By Christ you've gone a long, long way
With a schoolboy's talent with words
One crappy bit of symbolism
And you're adored by an army of turds

You're a selfish, rude, arrogant prick
You're basically pretty stupid
Your mysticism is a lump of shit
And so are all the girls you've rooted

So don't talk about being sad and lonely
Or fucking misunderstood
Because underneath that self-pitying phoney
Is a selfish, brutal hood

I support the police who took you off stage
I support the fact you bled
I support the cops who carried you off
I support the fact you're dead

I think that you're a troubled guy
And I think that is nothing new
I think your fans are a bunch of turds
Almost as immature as you

And, when I'm in my supermarket
And some prick pushes in front of my trolley
I'll be reminded of your stinking bravado
And I'll ask the **** to say sorry

Your fans would exuse every rudeness
Just because it comes from you
You'd tell them to go drop dead
And they would say, "How True, how true, how true"

You need a nine to five job Jimbo
You need to get to Flinder's Street by train
Go find yourself a regular income
Then you can write a song about pain

Try and save for the kiddies' school fees
Take some care when you drive a car
Put your God damn rubbish in a bin
You fucking great rock superstar

You have spawned a host of cocksure shits
That are nearly always filthy rich
Who think that because they're a little bit like 'Ol' Jimbo'
They can act like stinking pricks

An army of brainless arty youth
They look down on us common plods
But they barrack for good old Morrison
Like the fucking Richmond Cheer Squad

So when you're listening to Morrison Hotel [/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1]And Jimbo - he's in top form
Whining about this harsh, cruel world
And the fact he was ever born

Remember his fans are rapt
And brooding over their suffering lives
And go to discuss it at Thrash and Treasure
(At least, if daddy will drive us there

Jimbo - King of the Private School Kids
The girls from PLC
Who identify with his tortured soul
Because they have just dropped boy friend number three

Who was Kent, from Xavier College
In HSC he got an A for English
But between Jimbo and William Blake
He hasn't got the fucking brains to distinguish

Jimbo - father of a generation of private school depression idols
From Nick Cave on,
They don't kill themselves
Just tell us why they're suicidal

He has made self pity legitimate
It means we'll have to face
One after another, artists with integrity
Like REO Speedwagon .

Sorry, I meant "Hugo Race".

Well, up your arse Jimbo, old man
Up your fucking hole
You are a prick, pure and simple
It's about time you were told

And up your arse to all your fans
Up your arse to your tortured artistic hell
And while we're fucking at it
Up your arse to Morrissey as well

Up your arse to Robert Smith
Up your arse to Albert Camus
All those, "I'm suffering for my art" types
Jimbo, I blame them all on you

And every one who handles life's pain
With a token of mature self examination
It's time they told these ponces
To stick it up their bogus self infatuation

But if you're after true self indulgence
Then the conclusion is still not final
Because if you thought Jim Morrison was a wanker
Well Christ, you just bought this fucking bit of vinyl

[Captain Sensible]

And The Ass Said To The Angel: "Wanna Play Kick To Kick?"


Talk to anyone these days and, you know, it seems
Eventually they'll tell you about some heavy scenes
When they were living "with a druggie friend"
You gotta look real serious, or at least pretend

While with a reverent awe, like they're reading a psalm
They tell you about some jerk poking a needle in his arm
And dramatically conclude, "You know, the guy was a freak"
But it's the eighth drug story you've heard this week

We'll, I knew a guy who tops the lot
He wasn't on heroin, crack or pot
But it was worse than anything out of Monkey Grip
He did the Happy Marriage in Suburbia' trip.

You know, I still don't know how this guy never got busted
For being so incredibly well adjusted
While we were all shoving chemicals up our nose
He was out in the garden with a watering hose

At first only small things began to go wrong:
He wouldn't turn up when we were having a bong
But sooner than later, things began to fall apart
He'd take his girl out regular, eat a la carte,

He looked healthy and happy - it was like an alarm
He was collapsing like the veins in my arm
I'll never forget the terrible night - Oh, God above -
When he told us he was very much in love.

So they both bought a house, there was no turning back
They got into it the week that I got into crack
His face was never so ravaged with addiction
As the week he showed me his brand new kitchen

I'd sometimes go round there with a cap or two of horse
Tell him "kick the habit, get a divorce"
Your wife's pregnant again", I'd plead "This'll make three;
If you have another kid you're sure to OD"

But he's not even listening, he's in some delirium
His wife's doing the dishes and he's begun clearin' 'em
"I love my kids, I'm happy", he'd say, satisfied
But don't you know on the nappy he was crucified

He's dead now, of course - needless to say
Family wiped off by a drunk going the wrong way
Oh how many times has it been written, said or sung?
If you live monogamous, expect to die young

So you can get into crack, smack, dope or speed
But don't take marriage, 'cause this is where it'll lead:
You'll experience real happiness, both physical and mental
And if you die, it'll be purely accidental

[Fred]

If you think I'm going to make an ass of myself by asking what the hell TISM is - you're mistaken.

[midorigreenwood]

aussie proponents of the japanese cosplay movement....

except not as scary :/

[Captain Sensible]

If you think I'm going to make an ass of myself by asking what the hell TISM is - you're mistaken.


http://dbmagazine.com.au/338/iv-TISM.jpg


http://members.optushome.com.au/gortklaatu/images/3RRR%20live%20to%20air/DV00012.jpg


http://members.optushome.com.au/gortklaatu/images/3RRR%20live%20to%20air/DV00005.jpg

[O_rly?]

You're only five yards from a fuckwit.

[Funky's alias]

O rly?

[emanuel]

Im five posts away from a fuckwit

[Captain Sensible]

You're only five yards from a fuckwit.


You're never more than three metres away from a rat or five metres away from a spider.


Could be the other way around.

[O_rly?]

You're never more than three metres away from a rat or five metres away from a spider.


Could be the other way around.

You're only one station from John Laws shit, you're only one lobotomy from believing it.

[mocaholic]

"So hurry up Eva, send it on down
Move over Braun & Gimme your brown.
There's trouble brewing in the Warsaw Pact,
So hurry up Eva and move your digestive tract!!"

"What's that Eva?
Your bowel is on strike?
Well it's all over...
For my Third Reich!!!"

If you're an adman, artist, poet or actor;
Student, tutor, writer, chiropractor;
If you design clothing, or make a living from posing;
If you paint pictures, run a boutique for bitches;
If you deal in antiques, or anything chic;
If your career involves feeling, instead of hauling & dealing;
Here's the end of the matter - you can get stuffed!"

"Nuke every US city - blow them to the sky.
Every single fucking Yank deserves to fucking Die"

"When I was the age of four I fell in love with my sister
I still have the strangest attraction for women with faces like hers"

"Well I'm as popular as a Jew in Beirut
I'm responsible for millions of deaths,
I've decimated more than half of Europe,
Kinda makes you wanna boogie..."

That'll do. CBF anymore.

[mr smooth]

Wankers once used mobile phones, but now thats kinda changin

[Banana Republican]

If its different, punch
If its lager, lunch
If it moves, root
If it quacks, shoot
If its mates, protect
If its wife, neglect
If its wages, bet
If its vicious, pet
If its American, ape
If its a blonde, gape
If its boobs, inflate
If its V8, venerate

Yahoooo!
Yahoooo!

If its sport, booze
If its licence, lose
If its engine, thrash
If its buttcrack, flash
If its the boys, lairin'
If its women, no swearin'
If its the footy trip, anaesthesia
If its back home, amnesia
If its party, newted
If its bedroom, putrid
If its foreplay, forgotten
If its rockin', don't bother knockin'

Yahoooo!
Yahoooo!

If its a party, fight
If its winning, skite
If its politics, right
If its flatulence, light
If its tabloid, believe it
If its broadsheet, don't read it
If its music, rock
If its casino, flock

[Ron]

The rich kid becomes a junkie
The poor kid an advertiser
What a tragic waste of potential -
Being a junkie's not so good either.

[Maverick]

You're only five yards from a fuckwit.
Lol.

[thegrach]

Ooh, aahh, Glenn McGrath
Ooh, aahh, Glenn McGrath
Ooh, aahh, Glenn McGrath
Ooh, aahh, Glenn McGrath

My mate Roger got a girl pregnant when he was fourteen.
He was so shit scared he told me, and when he said that her dad was a cop
I thought he was joking. I told him he’s got to tell someone,
And so he went and told a teacher, and the girl eventually got an abortion.
He was fucking shitting himself, let me tell you,
But six months later he was fucking around like always.

Ooh, aahh, Glenn McGrath
Ooh, aahh, Glenn McGrath
How did he win?....Eeaasy

"You betta watch it" I thought to myself. But Roger was pretty fucking sure of himself.
He was the guy who first brought a block of hash to a party.
Because I was his friend I was there when he first showed it to people,
And we all went down the back yard and he rolled a joint. Where did he get it from?
My parents would have killed me if they knew.
Thought we’d all turn into junkies or something if we had too much.

Oohooh
Ooh, aahh, Glenn McGrath
Oohooh
Ooh, aahh, Glenn McGrath
Oohooh
Ooh, aahh, Glenn McGrath
Oohooh
Ooh, aahh, Glenn McGrath
Oohooh .......

The last time I saw Roger was last year at the Boxing Day test.
He’d turned into such a fat, normal yobbo cunt.
"The wife nearly didn’t let me out today," he said, and he did all that chanting yobs do,
Like "Ooh, Ahh, Glenn McGrath." "It got you in the end," I thought to myself,
As I looked at Roger. "Life got you in the end, pal. You were such a cocky,
Successful winner when we were 16, but now you’re just another sad fat prick
Sitting in the M.C.G. high fiving in self congratulation,
As if it’s you that had the skill and determination to play for Australia"
It’s the cunts with the bad haircuts that you’ve got to watch out for.

There’s never been a popular teenager yet who’s done rat’s with their life.
It’s the fucking dorks that give it a real go.
Glenn McGrath got 5 for 50 that day.

Ooh, aahh, Glenn McGrath
Ooh, aahh, Glenn McGrath

[Oscar Wilde]

Wankers once used mobile phones, but now thats kinda changin

and yobs once lived in cottage homes aint social change amazin?

[Charles Darwin]

Some of these posts are song lyrics rather than rants.

Give me a pop-song, mate. Give me a fucking pop-song. Not only is it more fun, it's pretty fuckin' hard to write as well. You can bung in as many out-of-tune oboes as you want, but putting chords together so they sound pleasant isn't as simple as it might appear. It mightn't be the Sistine Chapel, but what is? Ollie fucking Olsen with his stupid feedback and cough mixture? The Jesus and Mary Chain, with their stupid feedback, and their stupid stage show with 800 powerful stupid lights and enough stupid dry ice to enhance their stupid stupidity up its own bullshit crappy teenage pretentious one dimensional dick witted puissant artistic enigma?

So ... what have you listened to for a good time that isn't, after all, a 'traditional' song? Still playing the Mike Oldfield records, huh? Still whipping Yessongs on for a good time? Wanna count on one hand how many people have fun at a Sonic Youth gig? I'm not supporting The Choirboys, old man, I'm just saying that the day some jumped up over-paid self-important post-modernist cocksucker puts his foot upon his Fairlight computer in the middle of his 47 minute opus The Silent Forgiveness Of The Pig-God and belts out the chords to Johnny B. Goode is the day I'll join you at the footlights of post-modernism.

Besides which, pop songs sell more.

[Charles Darwin]

Kill all the flag waving red blooded young Yankee boys
String their torsos up and use their dicks as toys
Nuke every U.S. city, blow them to the sky
Every single fucking Yank deserves to fucking die
Then get all the mothers and every apple pie
And gun them down with M-16s aimed at their eyes
Round up every U.S. citizen, all except the Jews
Take that lot to Israel and wipe that lot out too
And then get all the Vietnamese that were napalmed to death
And everyone from El Salvador and Cuba and Chile and the rest
Any say "Look, the Yanks are gone, the world is once again free
No more napalm, no more C.I.A., no more Wounded Knee"
And when they are all celebrating, nuke the fucking lot
And there'll be lots of jellied gasoline in every baby's cot
And then load an M-16, give it plenty of feeling
Put it to your temple, blow your brains onto the ceiling

Back in the day when they used to swap wav files on IRC, I made that into a file and renamed it "USA Forever" and posted on a US server a few days after Sept 11. I didn't last long ;)

[likka]

There's violence on the television,
And letter bombs in the mail
But things can't be all that bad
'Cos Derryn Hinch went to jail

Famine eats up children,
The peace talks, they always fail
But things can't be all that bad
'Cos Derryn Hinch went to jail

You might have double malaria,
The doctors look at you, they go pale
But things, they can't be all that bad
When Derryn Hinch goes to jail

Christ Himself on the cross
Told the guy who banged in the nail
"Mate, things, they can't be all that bad
When Derryn Hinch goes to jail"

Don't you know
I can take Ronald Reagen,
I can take Menachem Begin,
I can take tetraplegia,
I can take total amnesia,
I can take black spiky hair,
I can take germ warfare,
I can take 'Chasers' and 'Inflation',
I can take hyperventilation,
I can take total bowel disfunction,
I can take nuclear destruction,
I can even take Mike Willisee, well, at a pinch
But one thing I cannot take is Derryn Fucking Hinch

[Anderson Brown]

Somalia has got the hunger
Yugoslavia's battle will always rage
Germany's got a guilty conscience
And Magic Johnson, he's got AIDS.

But in the global battle for misery
You know, we all win it
'Cause we're all Victorians
And we've got Jeffrey Kennett.

Stalin, he fucked communism
Germany and Hitler fucked the Yids
We all fuck the ozone layer
Woody Allen, he fucks the kids.

Some people they fuck animals
But if you're kinky, why wait?
Come on down to Victoria
See one man fuck a state.

Queensland used to be the national joke
And Adelaide was full of S and M botty-spankers
Perth was full of crooked businessmen
And Sydney, still full of wankers

Tasmanians, I've never met met any.
But the whole nation knows that
We all voted in Jeffrey Kennett
And that makes every Victorian a prat.

The West and South Australians were right
They've know for years that Vics were pricks
And now the whole nation can agree
kick a Vic, kick a Vic, Kick me,

I'm one, come on, kick each other
But don't forget that when we're kicking each other to death
There's one man who deserves it more than the rest -
and his first name is Jeff.

[Banana Republican]

I wish people took them literally:D