The Dog
16th August 2006, 08:42
I was out with a few friends a couple of years back. I had only recently broken up with my girlfriend and found the courage to actually talk to girls again. We ended up at a club in the city, and as the night went on, I attracted the interest of a young attractive female. We danced and danced, then we sat down and kissed (all that mushy stuff). Found out that she was a virgin, and that she was saving herself for marriage. You could hear the word FUCK echoing from my thoughts.
What she did next was something really strange. She told me all the things she would do to me if she didn't have to wait till she got married. I tell you, if she did half the things she said, i would seriously think of locking her up and throwing away the key. (you know what they say about sexual deprivation) So sure enough, the night ended and there I was with my dick in my hand. She did everything and nothing at the same time.
Got home and thought, ah fuck it, I need to release this tension or i just may very well explode. So the set up begins, I grab my brothers stash from his room. I set up the couch in a postion that obstructs the view from the hallway door, I leave the volume low to hear any movement.
I make 2 vital mistakes here. First one was that I didn't put my bro's stash away after I carefully selected the right video. Secondly, I got caught. Here goes.
Half way through it I thought I heard footsteps, bang, TV off, pants up, roll over pretend im asleep. Now usually my mum would not hesitate, she would come barging in swinging hay makers calling me an orphan or a two legged donkey. But no there was nothing, so i assumed that she heard nothing. I assumed wrong! What she did was she hide behind the door and wait, like a lion sizing it's prey waiting for the optimum moment to stike, the moment when the prey is at it's most vulnerable. For me that was definitely with my pants down.
Unzip,TV on, and away we go again. Starting to enjoy the show when, booya.... Out she comes with my dad's belt, mind you this belt had a buckle the size of a bbq grill plate. Wollop accross the back of the head, "animal, animal, animal" she cried. "My donkey and herd of pigs back in motherland have more sense than you". "Why do we feed You"? "May your hands fall off so that you can never do this disgusting thing in my house again". "You're posessed by the devil" she said. She started to call the devil out if front of me and I lost the plot. I tried to hold in my laughter and it only made it worse, I burst in a fit and she starts whipping me as if she was herding cattle. Decided I had enough fun and pushed her away and went to bed.
Fuck! The videos are on the floor next to the couch, what could i do now. No way known was i about to attempt a search and rescue with my mum lurking...
I woke the next morning and smelt something burning. I went outside and saw my brothers prized possesions up in a dazzle of flames right in the cente of our backyard. My brother was standing over the blaze, noticed me and gave me the dirtiest look imaginable. There it was, all his hard work and money, up in smoke. Just a lump of melted plastic.
I could hear my parents in the outside kitchen screaming.
"Never again in my house with this evil rubbish"
"Never again."
"Never again."
"If i get my hands on him i will make his spine look like his stomach, while I disconnect his head from his shoulders."
I couldn't believe that my mum had set alight our stash, WTF is going on. I certainly did not stay around to find out, I got the fuck out quick smart. I returned home that evening to find a potion burning in my room. WTF was the natural respone. I looked closer -- it was smoke incense from church mixed in with something else. I was quite confused and what happened next was unimaginable.
My mother had invited my great Auntie over to sleep the night. Now, my great Auntie was the village witch doctor. She would sing these spooky songs, make potions and chase evil spirits away. whist she was a lovely lady, she looked like the witch from the wizard of OZ. She was so creepy to look at.
It's 1am, I'm staring at this concoction on the floor and i hear my door open, its my Auntie holding this stick with something attached to the end and she is shaking it at me singing voodoo. She is short, hunched and wears a head veil, imagine my horror.
I threw a pillow at her and it almost knocked her out cold. She turned around and quickly closed the door behind her. I picked up her witch brew and threw it in the hallway, questioned my mother's sanity and thought, fuck this I just want to go to bed, I've had it. A couple of hours later i hear my door open again. She just won't give in. She starts singing again and I thought that I would give them a show they would never forget.
I started jumping on the bed, shaking my head making cat noises. I then started to wave my arms around and i looked like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar. They were white with fear.
My auntie said, "he is too far gone we can't do anything." My mother started to wail with grief, "oh my boy oh my boy oh my boy"
I thought OK I better stop now, I looked my mum in the eye and told her how ridiculous this was and how insane I thought she was. She cottoned on to the fact that i was play acting and tried to take a swipe, I just ushered them both out, calmly closed the door and went to sleep.
In the morning my auntie had gone home and i drilled my mother about what it means to be insane.
The next day i got home and there was a strange car in the drive way, no big deal.
I get inside and hear someone singing, "I can't cope anymore," I thought.
My mother had invited the priest over to bless the house and conduct a ritual. (it wasn't strange to have the priest over once a year for saint day's, but this was extra special.) He was spraying holy water everywhere, singing with such passion. We caught each others eye, I smiled.
He walked towards me and started sprinking water over me and doing what he did. I looked at my mum and told her she has lost it completely. I took a sharp turn right into my bedroom, the priest was on my hammer.
He would not give up, he sat beside me and prayed for me along with my mum. There was no escape, i was trapped like a hamster about to get probed. I was choking from the smoke in the room and drenched from being saturated with this water.
My brother walked and I have never ever ever seen a man laugh as hard as he was. He caught wind of what had happened and then joined in with my mum to egg her on. "Yeah mum he is crazy, save him, save before its too late!!"
"I'm trying son" my mum replied, the whole time my brother is rolling on the floor laughing gasping for air, saying "It's too late it's too late hahahahahaha"
I joined in the laughing, i couldn't help it. We were in fits. The priest got offended and stormed out of the room, accusing my mum of wasting his time (what was he expecting would happen?) He left quicker than he arrived and my mum was so angry, embarressed and scared all at the same time. She went for a walk and left us to call our mates over and tell this story to them. Some friends laughed their asses off, others were mortified that my mum went too far. Personally I am in tears writing this story, it's the funniest two days I can remember. A witch doctor and a priest FFS.
This story my friends takes the cake. You may think far fetched, i say, never a truer word has been spoken...
Enjoy.
What she did next was something really strange. She told me all the things she would do to me if she didn't have to wait till she got married. I tell you, if she did half the things she said, i would seriously think of locking her up and throwing away the key. (you know what they say about sexual deprivation) So sure enough, the night ended and there I was with my dick in my hand. She did everything and nothing at the same time.
Got home and thought, ah fuck it, I need to release this tension or i just may very well explode. So the set up begins, I grab my brothers stash from his room. I set up the couch in a postion that obstructs the view from the hallway door, I leave the volume low to hear any movement.
I make 2 vital mistakes here. First one was that I didn't put my bro's stash away after I carefully selected the right video. Secondly, I got caught. Here goes.
Half way through it I thought I heard footsteps, bang, TV off, pants up, roll over pretend im asleep. Now usually my mum would not hesitate, she would come barging in swinging hay makers calling me an orphan or a two legged donkey. But no there was nothing, so i assumed that she heard nothing. I assumed wrong! What she did was she hide behind the door and wait, like a lion sizing it's prey waiting for the optimum moment to stike, the moment when the prey is at it's most vulnerable. For me that was definitely with my pants down.
Unzip,TV on, and away we go again. Starting to enjoy the show when, booya.... Out she comes with my dad's belt, mind you this belt had a buckle the size of a bbq grill plate. Wollop accross the back of the head, "animal, animal, animal" she cried. "My donkey and herd of pigs back in motherland have more sense than you". "Why do we feed You"? "May your hands fall off so that you can never do this disgusting thing in my house again". "You're posessed by the devil" she said. She started to call the devil out if front of me and I lost the plot. I tried to hold in my laughter and it only made it worse, I burst in a fit and she starts whipping me as if she was herding cattle. Decided I had enough fun and pushed her away and went to bed.
Fuck! The videos are on the floor next to the couch, what could i do now. No way known was i about to attempt a search and rescue with my mum lurking...
I woke the next morning and smelt something burning. I went outside and saw my brothers prized possesions up in a dazzle of flames right in the cente of our backyard. My brother was standing over the blaze, noticed me and gave me the dirtiest look imaginable. There it was, all his hard work and money, up in smoke. Just a lump of melted plastic.
I could hear my parents in the outside kitchen screaming.
"Never again in my house with this evil rubbish"
"Never again."
"Never again."
"If i get my hands on him i will make his spine look like his stomach, while I disconnect his head from his shoulders."
I couldn't believe that my mum had set alight our stash, WTF is going on. I certainly did not stay around to find out, I got the fuck out quick smart. I returned home that evening to find a potion burning in my room. WTF was the natural respone. I looked closer -- it was smoke incense from church mixed in with something else. I was quite confused and what happened next was unimaginable.
My mother had invited my great Auntie over to sleep the night. Now, my great Auntie was the village witch doctor. She would sing these spooky songs, make potions and chase evil spirits away. whist she was a lovely lady, she looked like the witch from the wizard of OZ. She was so creepy to look at.
It's 1am, I'm staring at this concoction on the floor and i hear my door open, its my Auntie holding this stick with something attached to the end and she is shaking it at me singing voodoo. She is short, hunched and wears a head veil, imagine my horror.
I threw a pillow at her and it almost knocked her out cold. She turned around and quickly closed the door behind her. I picked up her witch brew and threw it in the hallway, questioned my mother's sanity and thought, fuck this I just want to go to bed, I've had it. A couple of hours later i hear my door open again. She just won't give in. She starts singing again and I thought that I would give them a show they would never forget.
I started jumping on the bed, shaking my head making cat noises. I then started to wave my arms around and i looked like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar. They were white with fear.
My auntie said, "he is too far gone we can't do anything." My mother started to wail with grief, "oh my boy oh my boy oh my boy"
I thought OK I better stop now, I looked my mum in the eye and told her how ridiculous this was and how insane I thought she was. She cottoned on to the fact that i was play acting and tried to take a swipe, I just ushered them both out, calmly closed the door and went to sleep.
In the morning my auntie had gone home and i drilled my mother about what it means to be insane.
The next day i got home and there was a strange car in the drive way, no big deal.
I get inside and hear someone singing, "I can't cope anymore," I thought.
My mother had invited the priest over to bless the house and conduct a ritual. (it wasn't strange to have the priest over once a year for saint day's, but this was extra special.) He was spraying holy water everywhere, singing with such passion. We caught each others eye, I smiled.
He walked towards me and started sprinking water over me and doing what he did. I looked at my mum and told her she has lost it completely. I took a sharp turn right into my bedroom, the priest was on my hammer.
He would not give up, he sat beside me and prayed for me along with my mum. There was no escape, i was trapped like a hamster about to get probed. I was choking from the smoke in the room and drenched from being saturated with this water.
My brother walked and I have never ever ever seen a man laugh as hard as he was. He caught wind of what had happened and then joined in with my mum to egg her on. "Yeah mum he is crazy, save him, save before its too late!!"
"I'm trying son" my mum replied, the whole time my brother is rolling on the floor laughing gasping for air, saying "It's too late it's too late hahahahahaha"
I joined in the laughing, i couldn't help it. We were in fits. The priest got offended and stormed out of the room, accusing my mum of wasting his time (what was he expecting would happen?) He left quicker than he arrived and my mum was so angry, embarressed and scared all at the same time. She went for a walk and left us to call our mates over and tell this story to them. Some friends laughed their asses off, others were mortified that my mum went too far. Personally I am in tears writing this story, it's the funniest two days I can remember. A witch doctor and a priest FFS.
This story my friends takes the cake. You may think far fetched, i say, never a truer word has been spoken...
Enjoy.