The Dog
16th August 2006, 22:12
Deep breath, here we go......
As you know by now my mother is a hardcore oldschool European lady. She is also one step off becoming a nun, she is that into religion.
We have one of those living rooms, you know the ones (I see all the Europeans nodding their head's smiling) the one with the best of the best furniture, carpet and ornaments, it's all covered in plastic so no dust gets on it. The stupidity of this is that it never ever gets used and i mean never!!! If I'm caught even looking in there my mum has her radar fully honed, ready to attack.
In this room is where she has her religious shrine. She keeps this massive cabinet with all her icons, crosses, candles, insence, bible and the rest of it.
Even funnier still is the fact that we have a Home entertainment system in there that would rival any... It's amazing, but as i said earlier, if I'm seen in there I may as well take my own life, because my mum will have no mercy.
One night, after being tormented by my girlfriend at the time, there was no option I had to get some porn and finish the job as she thought it was funny to leave me hanging.... Don't ya hate it when girls do that.
One big problem though, we were painting the living room we all use. There were couches, tarps, platsic and shit everywhere. To protect the TV and DVD player, they were removed and stored away till the room was finished. Can you see where this is heading............. ah ha........
Fuck it, i had to take the risk of entering the sacred room to finish the job. The consequences of my action were not lost on me. If my mum spotted a crease on the plastic in there, im dead not two ways about it...
So after carefull analysis and planning, the creation of contingency plans, routes of escape, volume levels so that i could hear the footsteps down the hallway, the positioning of the door so that I could catch the reflection of light if my mum turns her light on in the hallway. All this is vital, and you're probably wondering how the hell could I perform under such duress and pressure, well, welcome to my house.
Away I go, one eye on the prize, one eye on the hallway. This surround sound system we have in there was far louder than i thought. There are two entrances into this room, yep, I'm fucked.
She crept in from the other door, it was too late I was busted. But she didn't go for me straight away, I wondered whether she was feeling well. So I zipped up in world record speed, I leaned over to see her turning her religious icons the other way and saying a prayer for me. I was stunned, shocked and so embarresed. Her prayer was something along the lines of
"Dear God, what did i do wrong? I've been a good wife a good mother. I have looked after my boys with all of my heart and energy, I tries to set them good examples. How then, I ask you, have they turned into 2 legged horses, with no brains. Even horses have brains, these ones have nothing, look at what he is doing in here. Forgive me for what i am about to do".
OH FUCK was my next thought as she looked up at me. She screamed in this high pitched shrill and threw the fruit bowl at me. I ducked and it broke the window behind me. And off we go again, the Benny Hill show begins. She is chasing me around the house, not with a spoon this time, but with a rolling pin of substantial weight.
My brother wakes up to the noise and cannot contain his glee that it is finally not him that has been caught. He is such a prick as he cornered me so that i could not escape. My mum began to wollop me with this rolling pin, I'm trying not to laugh, my brother is holding me down pissing himself laughing and my mum pulverising me.
Even my dad found it funny in the morning that i could be soooooooo stupid as to even think that my mum wouldn't find out...
Phew done!!!!!!!
As you know by now my mother is a hardcore oldschool European lady. She is also one step off becoming a nun, she is that into religion.
We have one of those living rooms, you know the ones (I see all the Europeans nodding their head's smiling) the one with the best of the best furniture, carpet and ornaments, it's all covered in plastic so no dust gets on it. The stupidity of this is that it never ever gets used and i mean never!!! If I'm caught even looking in there my mum has her radar fully honed, ready to attack.
In this room is where she has her religious shrine. She keeps this massive cabinet with all her icons, crosses, candles, insence, bible and the rest of it.
Even funnier still is the fact that we have a Home entertainment system in there that would rival any... It's amazing, but as i said earlier, if I'm seen in there I may as well take my own life, because my mum will have no mercy.
One night, after being tormented by my girlfriend at the time, there was no option I had to get some porn and finish the job as she thought it was funny to leave me hanging.... Don't ya hate it when girls do that.
One big problem though, we were painting the living room we all use. There were couches, tarps, platsic and shit everywhere. To protect the TV and DVD player, they were removed and stored away till the room was finished. Can you see where this is heading............. ah ha........
Fuck it, i had to take the risk of entering the sacred room to finish the job. The consequences of my action were not lost on me. If my mum spotted a crease on the plastic in there, im dead not two ways about it...
So after carefull analysis and planning, the creation of contingency plans, routes of escape, volume levels so that i could hear the footsteps down the hallway, the positioning of the door so that I could catch the reflection of light if my mum turns her light on in the hallway. All this is vital, and you're probably wondering how the hell could I perform under such duress and pressure, well, welcome to my house.
Away I go, one eye on the prize, one eye on the hallway. This surround sound system we have in there was far louder than i thought. There are two entrances into this room, yep, I'm fucked.
She crept in from the other door, it was too late I was busted. But she didn't go for me straight away, I wondered whether she was feeling well. So I zipped up in world record speed, I leaned over to see her turning her religious icons the other way and saying a prayer for me. I was stunned, shocked and so embarresed. Her prayer was something along the lines of
"Dear God, what did i do wrong? I've been a good wife a good mother. I have looked after my boys with all of my heart and energy, I tries to set them good examples. How then, I ask you, have they turned into 2 legged horses, with no brains. Even horses have brains, these ones have nothing, look at what he is doing in here. Forgive me for what i am about to do".
OH FUCK was my next thought as she looked up at me. She screamed in this high pitched shrill and threw the fruit bowl at me. I ducked and it broke the window behind me. And off we go again, the Benny Hill show begins. She is chasing me around the house, not with a spoon this time, but with a rolling pin of substantial weight.
My brother wakes up to the noise and cannot contain his glee that it is finally not him that has been caught. He is such a prick as he cornered me so that i could not escape. My mum began to wollop me with this rolling pin, I'm trying not to laugh, my brother is holding me down pissing himself laughing and my mum pulverising me.
Even my dad found it funny in the morning that i could be soooooooo stupid as to even think that my mum wouldn't find out...
Phew done!!!!!!!