Chiefy's Thread of Jokes

[Roger the Cabin Boy]

Will I live to be 80?

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?"

"Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

I said, "No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"

"No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"

"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then, why do you give a shit?"

[Blues_Man]

jeeze ..at least you could have kicked it off with something funny :rolleyes:

[Roger the Cabin Boy]

hehe The infraction system is getting a good test :)

[financialpanther]

how low brow can the jokes get as a matter of interest?

[Roger the Cabin Boy]

Work Safe is good. I may chuck this thread in the Tank so people don't have to worry.

[Blues_Man]

hehe The infraction system is getting a good test :)
Hey !! that wasn't funnny either ! :mad:

[Blues_Man]

something to laugh at ...because Chiefy's joke sucked :


One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike
behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a
doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike
replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the
corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you
what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and
costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to
the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights
up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the
slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a
printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and
avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was,
Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed
some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from
his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good
measure.
Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results.
He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the
results. The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. 2. Your dog
has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. 3. Your
daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is
pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you
don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get
better.

[Roger the Cabin Boy]

PIG!

As they pass each other, the woman leans out of the
window and yells "PIG!!"

The man immediately leans out of his window and
replies, "BITCH!!"

They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds
the next corner he crashes into a pig in the middle of
the road.

If only men would listen.

[Roger the Cabin Boy]

The larf riot continues.

Cletus was walking down the road one day when he noticed his friend across the road carrying a bag.

Cletus: "Hey Jim Bob what you got in that bag?"

Jim Bob: "In this bag here I got some chickens."

Cletus: "Chickens! I sure would like a chicken. I bet you if I guess how many chickens you got in that bag you give me one..."

Jim Bob: "Shit, Cletus if you guess how many chickens I got in this bag I'll give you both of them."

[Blues_Man]

Oh what rib ticklers ! :o

Out of the mouths of babes comes the Dead Cat Test, a true story:

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat. She asked if it
was dead or alive. "Dead," she was informed. "How do you know?" she
asked.
"Because I pissed in his ear and it didn't move," said the child
innocently. "You did WHAT?!?", the teacher squealed in surprise. "You
know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'pssst' and he didn't
move."

[financialpanther]

A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and exclaims out loud - "This is the pig that i have to sleep with"

His wife responds - "but honey - thats a sheep, not a pig"

He retorts "Excuse me, but i was talking to the sheep"

Boom Boom

[mocaholic]

Hullo all:

A little girl walks in to the lounge one Sunday morning while her Dad is reading the paper.

"Where does poo come from?" she asks.

The father feeling a little perturbed that his 5 year old daughter is already asking difficult questions thinks for a moment and says: "Well you know we just ate breakfast?"

"Yes," answers the girl.

"Well the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bums when we go to the toilet, and that is poo."

The little girl looks shocked, and stares, at him with watery eyes in stunned silence for a few seconds and asks:

"And Tigger?"

[Roger the Cabin Boy]

Winner so far. /\

[Roger the Cabin Boy]

A Catholic Priest and a Rabbi were driving past a playground. The priest spots a 10 year old boy and says:

"Let's fuck him!"

The Rabbi looks over excitedly and asks "Out of what?"

[Higgs Boson]

A Catholic Priest and a Rabbi were driving past a playground. The priest spots a 10 year old boy and says:

"Let's fuck him!"

The Rabbi looks over excitedly and asks "Out of what?"

Ooooooooooh!

Yow!

[Lance Uppercut]

A Catholic Priest and a Rabbi were driving past a playground. The priest spots a 10 year old boy and says:

"Let's fuck him!"

The Rabbi looks over excitedly and asks "Out of what?"

that got me laughing :D and feeling bad all at the same time

[Ljp86]

3 guys, an Aussie, a Kiwi and a West Indian were waiting in a hospital waiting room as all three of their wives were giving birth.

The doctor rushes out of the birthing room and announces that all 3 babies were healthy and perfectly normal but in an amazing coincidence, all 3 babies were born at the same time and no-one knows which baby belongs to which couple.

Suddenly, the Aussie runs into the birthing room and brings out a dark skinned, dreadlocked baby. The following conversation ensues...

Aussie: "I've found my baby, this one is mine."

Doctor: "Err, no it's not. I think you find that your baby is one of the other two that are still in the birthday room."

Aussie: "No way man, one of the two babies back in there is a kiwi and I ain't taking that f*cking chance!"

:D

[mr smooth]

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie.
"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So he tied her up and went fishing.

[crackers57]

A bloke comes home late from the pub with a peace offering of a bunch of roses.

He is greeted by his wife who's only thanks is - "I suppose I'll have to lay on my back with my legs in the air for those"

The bloke shrugs and says - "Whatever, but a fucking vase would do"

[Bombers 2003]

A bloke comes home late from the pub with a peace offering of a bunch of roses.

He is greeted by his wife who's only thanks is - "I suppose I'll have to lay on my back with my legs in the air for those"

The bloke shrugs and says - "Whatever, but a fucking vase would do"
LMFAO

[Bombers 2003]

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie.
"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So he tied her up and went fishing.
LOL
And it reminds me of the tv ad where the fellas missus comes into the lounge in a sexy bikini and the prick just keeps watching the TV.

[Blues_Man]

The blokes missus was nagging him about fixing their broken front gate..so he sends her down to the local hardware shop for a new hinge for the gate .
The hardware manager greets her with " how can i help you ? '
she replys " I need a hinge for the gate " the man goes off and returns with a hinge and says " would you like a screw for the hinge ? " the woman answers " No ...but i will suck you off for the toaster in the window "

gotta love Col Elliot humour :)

[nicho_magic]

what is a tasmanians idea of masturbation?

you awake mum?

[AK-47]

what is a tasmanians idea of masturbation?

you awake mum?
OH the hilarity!

[choo-choo]

How does a Kiwi find sheep in long grass???


Very Satisfying.

[Roger the Cabin Boy]

A Chinese couple get married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he's not all that experienced either.

On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets. She undresses, climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring.

"My darling," he says, "I know this you first time and you very frighten. I promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting. Whatchou want?"

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually replies, shyly: "I want to try something I have heard about – number 69?"

This time, hubby's quiet. Eventually, in a puzzled tone, he queries: "You want... Braised Chicken wiff Cashews?"

[nicho_magic]

why did johnny wake up at the front of the synagog?

he had a heavy jew on him!!

[nicho_magic]

How does a Kiwi find sheep in long grass???


Very Satisfying.
how do you pick the kiwi in a shoe shop?

he's got an erection near the ug boots

[Ghost Who Walks]

Birds and Bees

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.

“Mother, where do babies come from?”

The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.”

The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend.

“Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”

“Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

[O_rly?]

Q. What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex?
A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak

[Vedder]

There were two guys taking a shower. They were playing with each other and kissing. Then sombody knocked on the door so one of the guys was like im going to answer the door so dont finish without me right. So he went to go answer the door when he came their was cum all over the walls curtains, everywhere. The guy says to him i told you not to finish without me.

The other guy says i didnt.....I FARTED!!!!!!! :thumbsd:

[Vedder]

There once was a little boy who was celebrating his 11th birthday.

He decided to test his family to see if they remembered his birthday, so he goes downstairs to his father. "Bet cha' can't guess how old I am today", the boy said.

The father has no clue and finally gives up. "I'm eleven!" the boy exclaims.

Next he goes in the kitchen, walks up to his grandma, and says, "Bet cha' can't guess how old I am today".

"Let me give it a guess", grandma says and sticks her hand in his trousers.

She plays with his testicles for about an hour or so (squeezing them; moving them back and forth), takes her hand out of his trousers, and says, "You're eleven years old".

"How did you know?" the boy asked.

Grandma replied, "I heard you tell your father". :)

[Ljp86]

A young man is at a pool party with a couple of friends and noticed the family cat wondering around the pool. Out of nowhere they here a splash and turn around to see that the cat has fallen into the water, then as they start towards the cat they hear a rooster laughing on the other side of the fence. The moral of the story?


A wet pussy makes a cock happy. :D

[Butterflies]

What makes a woman numb from the waist down . . .

















Marriage

[Roger the Cabin Boy]

A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."

The small man faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big fellow says, "What's wrong with you?" In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"

The big dude says, "I saw the curious look and figured I'd save time and answer the questions everyone asks me when they meet me. I'm 7 feet tall, weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, right testicle weighs 3 pounds and my name is Turner Brown."

The small guy says, "Turner Brown? Thank God! I thought you said 'Turn around'."

[bogan4life]

Ticket to the big game $80
Beer $5
Hot Dog $6
Watching Carlton win another wooden spoon Priceless

[ohmygodhowgoodami(?)]

Ticket to the big game $80
Beer $5
Hot Dog $6
Watching Carlton win another wooden spoon Priceless
not bad at all bogan.

[Dixon Bainbridge]

Right.

English, Irish and a Scotsman get lost in the jungle. Hungry and thirsty they see a camp fire in the distance. ' we're saved said the Englishman ' So they trek to the camp site only to discover Cannibals. The Cannibals say ' we will grant you one wish and then we are gunna make Cannoes out of you '
Englishman says ' right, i'll have a plate of fish and chips and a pint of lager ' Sure enough as soon as he finished they skinned him alive.
Scotsman's turn ' I'll have a haggis and let me play the bagpipes one last time please ' He finished and they skinned him alive.
Irishman says ' I would like a fork please ' The Cannibils look at him funny but get him a fork. The Irishman starts stabbing himself in the chest and says ' you wont be making a fucking Cannoe out of me '

The end.

[Roger the Cabin Boy]

An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Bubba:
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.

Love, Dad

A few days later, he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad:
For heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.
Love, Bubba

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local Police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day, the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad:
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Bubba

[mocaholic]

At dawn the telephone rings .

"Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot died.
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Si, Senor, that's the one."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird."
"What did he die from?"
"From eating rotten meat, Senor Rod"
"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."
"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"
"Yes Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor"
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man? "
"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What the hell??....Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle??!!
"Yes Senor Rod."
"But there's electricity at the house!!! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Senor Rod."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?"
"Your wife's, Senor Rod... She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver."

SILENCE...................

LONGER SILENCE...........

"Ernesto if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit!"

(Yeah yeah, we all got it before the last line.)

[mocaholic]

At a U2 concert in Belfast, Bono asks the audience for some quiet.
Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands.


Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone...


"Did you know that every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."


A voice from near the front pierces the silence....



"Well, stop it then!"

[Parthiv Patel]

Mick Lewis.

[Ghost Who Walks]

In short: englnd sux da big 1 lol



Q. What does Geraint Jones and Michael Jackson have in common?

A. They both wear gloves for no apparent reason



Q. What is the height of optimism?

A. An English batsman applying sunscreen.




Q. What does Ashley Giles put in his hands to make sure the next ball almost always takes a wicket?

A. A bat.




Q. What would Glen McGrath be if he was an Englishman?

A. An all-rounder.




Q. What advantage do Kevin Pieterson, Andrew Strauss and Geraint Jones have over the rest of their team-mates?

A. At least they can say they're not really English.




Q. What is the English version of a hat-trick?

A. Three runs in three balls.




Q. What do you call an Englishman with 100 runs against his name?

A. A bowler.




Q. What is the most proficient form of footwork displayed by English batsmen?

A. The walk back to the pavilion.




Q. Who has the easiest job in the English squad?

A. The guy who removes the red ball marks from the bats.




Q. Why is Andrew Flintoff the unluckiest English player?

A. Because he was born in England.




Q. What does "Ashes" stand for?

A. Another Sad Horrific English Series.




Q. What's the English version of LBW?

A. Lost, Beaten, Walloped.




Q. Who spends the most time on the crease of anyone in the English team?

A. The person who ironed the cricket whites.

[Roger the Cabin Boy]

A man & a woman who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed & uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired & fell asleep quickly ... Him in the upper bunk & her in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over & gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the Closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend That we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own f*cking blanket."

After a moment of silence, he farted.

[Brenno]

^^^^ funniest one so far cheify

[bogan4life(retired)]

Ticket to the big game $80
Beer $5
Hot Dog $6
Watching Carlton win another wooden spoon Priceless


Shit gimmick

[The Assman]

Shit gimmick

were you under the influence during those days?

[bogan4life(retired)]

I think i was only trying the shit out then, using a bit here and there but not all the time.

[Charles Darwin]

It's meant to be a funny thread but it's more like a comedy black hole.

[Jather Fack]

dare i go back and look at page one? hmmm ...

[_JC_]

Me and my mates spunked all over a muslim woman's face.
Burkake.

Two condoms were walking past a Gay bar. One looks at the other and says, "You wanna go in and get shit faced?

Whats the difference between my dick and a carrot?
Carrots aren't one of my daughters five a day

Went out to a nightclub last night and i gotta say i was dressed to kill!
Beard, sandals, turban, Backpack....

9/11
To cut a long storey short.

[Fapio]

Went out to a nightclub last night and i gotta say i was dressed to kill!
Beard, sandals, turban, Backpack....


Meeting up with Jason McCartney there?

[Geelong_Sicko]

Two condoms were walking past a Gay bar. One looks at the other and says, "You wanna go in and get shit faced?


Jesus Christ, JC...