fugsy
1st September 2006, 15:40
Yesterday morning I went to some doctor's surgery to get a medical examination...because the company I'm going for a new job with told me I had to. It was quite the experience, one of which I'd rather not have to get up so early in the morning to travel so far to get...but alas...
So I arrive there 15 minutes early, as all good little patients should. Upon arrival I'm greeting with a kind hello, followed by a 'we need a urine sample from you' and finished up with handing me one of those little plastic containers. So alarm bells start going off in my head...because I had already gone before I left home. I figured I could just push half a container worth out...so off I trundle to the toilet. Guys will know what I'm talking about here...girls may not because I'm not sure if this happens to you...but standing there trying to muster up some sort of a stream, my back plumbing comes over and says 'no fair, I wanna play too'. As much as I tried to resist...I soon realised the only way I was going to get anywhere was to give in to my whinging bowels. Guys will know that you could do the mother of all pisses...then 5 minutes later need a dump out of nowhere. No matter how much you just peed, you will still squirt a little bit when you're pushing out a log. So, with the aid of doing number 2's and my awesome control of my urinary tract...I produced the most stock standard piss sample you've ever seen.
Once that was all done, I had to fill in a form saying how awesome I was with not getting diseases. However, there was one question pertaining to whether I drank alcohol, and if so how many glasses a week. How the fuck are you supposed to measure that? If I'm out somewhere and drinking, I'm not thinking about how many glasses I've had for the week...I'm thinking about titties and beer, and how I can use one to get to the other. So I just circled 'yes' and left it, they didn't ask any questions. If they did I would have been extremely tempted to tell them I had no idea and I was drunk right now.
So a few minutes later I was called up, and I swear to God the doctor used to be the lead singer of Foreigner. So naturally I started singing 'I want to know what love is' in my head. So we sit down and he quickly goes through the form. No problems there. Then I couldn't help but feel a little bit gay when he said 'take your shirt off and lay down on the bed', because I was still singing 'I want to know what love is' in my head. So I lay down on the bed and he does a few little tests...couple or reflex tests...
Now...
I still have my pants on. At this stage I think I'm safe from what's about to come next. Clearly I was wrong.
'Can you give me a big cough?'
Yes that's right...I got the good old grabbing of the junk treatment. If anyone here knows exactly what groping my balls and asking me to cough is supposed to do, I'd be interested to know. I have this really disturbing theory that all doctors have a fetish for guys who cough when there nuts are fondled. Anyway...
Next up was the eyesight test, and considering I'm blind as anything I think did pretty well...although he did comment that I am a tad shortsighted. After that, was a lung test. Nothing much to that...just had to give gobby to this cylinder shaped thing to test my lung capacity. Turned out normal...so nothing spectacular. If I ever turn gay...I'll be giving real average headjobs because this little machine told me so. After that, was the hearing test. I sat in this little booth with headphones on and a handheld button thingy. The idea was to press the button as soon as I hear a beep. At first I thought I was doing shithouse, because I could barely hear the beeps, but apparently it's designed like that...different frequencies and shit. So I relaxed a little towards the end, even picturing myself on Jeopardy answering questions everytime I pressed the button.
'What is necrophilia?'
Finally, he checks my urine sample for about 5 seconds and states that everything is normal...which dissapointed me a little. For all the trouble I went to just to fill the fucker he could of at least told me I was pregnant or something for a laugh. Prick.
And that was it. I had officially been medically examined. It wasn't too bad...but I better get this fucking job now. I didn't get 4 hours sleep to have my sack played with for nothing.
So I arrive there 15 minutes early, as all good little patients should. Upon arrival I'm greeting with a kind hello, followed by a 'we need a urine sample from you' and finished up with handing me one of those little plastic containers. So alarm bells start going off in my head...because I had already gone before I left home. I figured I could just push half a container worth out...so off I trundle to the toilet. Guys will know what I'm talking about here...girls may not because I'm not sure if this happens to you...but standing there trying to muster up some sort of a stream, my back plumbing comes over and says 'no fair, I wanna play too'. As much as I tried to resist...I soon realised the only way I was going to get anywhere was to give in to my whinging bowels. Guys will know that you could do the mother of all pisses...then 5 minutes later need a dump out of nowhere. No matter how much you just peed, you will still squirt a little bit when you're pushing out a log. So, with the aid of doing number 2's and my awesome control of my urinary tract...I produced the most stock standard piss sample you've ever seen.
Once that was all done, I had to fill in a form saying how awesome I was with not getting diseases. However, there was one question pertaining to whether I drank alcohol, and if so how many glasses a week. How the fuck are you supposed to measure that? If I'm out somewhere and drinking, I'm not thinking about how many glasses I've had for the week...I'm thinking about titties and beer, and how I can use one to get to the other. So I just circled 'yes' and left it, they didn't ask any questions. If they did I would have been extremely tempted to tell them I had no idea and I was drunk right now.
So a few minutes later I was called up, and I swear to God the doctor used to be the lead singer of Foreigner. So naturally I started singing 'I want to know what love is' in my head. So we sit down and he quickly goes through the form. No problems there. Then I couldn't help but feel a little bit gay when he said 'take your shirt off and lay down on the bed', because I was still singing 'I want to know what love is' in my head. So I lay down on the bed and he does a few little tests...couple or reflex tests...
Now...
I still have my pants on. At this stage I think I'm safe from what's about to come next. Clearly I was wrong.
'Can you give me a big cough?'
Yes that's right...I got the good old grabbing of the junk treatment. If anyone here knows exactly what groping my balls and asking me to cough is supposed to do, I'd be interested to know. I have this really disturbing theory that all doctors have a fetish for guys who cough when there nuts are fondled. Anyway...
Next up was the eyesight test, and considering I'm blind as anything I think did pretty well...although he did comment that I am a tad shortsighted. After that, was a lung test. Nothing much to that...just had to give gobby to this cylinder shaped thing to test my lung capacity. Turned out normal...so nothing spectacular. If I ever turn gay...I'll be giving real average headjobs because this little machine told me so. After that, was the hearing test. I sat in this little booth with headphones on and a handheld button thingy. The idea was to press the button as soon as I hear a beep. At first I thought I was doing shithouse, because I could barely hear the beeps, but apparently it's designed like that...different frequencies and shit. So I relaxed a little towards the end, even picturing myself on Jeopardy answering questions everytime I pressed the button.
'What is necrophilia?'
Finally, he checks my urine sample for about 5 seconds and states that everything is normal...which dissapointed me a little. For all the trouble I went to just to fill the fucker he could of at least told me I was pregnant or something for a laugh. Prick.
And that was it. I had officially been medically examined. It wasn't too bad...but I better get this fucking job now. I didn't get 4 hours sleep to have my sack played with for nothing.