The Dog
21st August 2006, 14:30
Being European, our garage is bigger, flashier and is more contemporary than the house we occupy for 95% of our time. The Garage has it's own adjoining kitchen, so my mum can cook out there and not dirty the inside kitchen. "what would the people say if they came over and saw a streak on the oven glass because i didn't clean it thouroughly enough"!
So she cooks outside.
In this little kitchen area there just so happens to be a TV and VCR...... Now your thinking "Here we go", I hear you say, "The Dog is about to get shafted."
I say never rely on predictabilty when it comes to my family.
It's about 9.30 pm and i have arrived home from a mates joint and am feeling rather peckish. As a family we usually eat as though we live alone, we sit down whenever we are hungry and just eat, usually we eat at fractured intervals. I cant remeber the last time we sat down together and spoke about our day, just the thought is funny in itself.
Mum usually cooks and leaves the food in the outside kitchen. She does this for a number of reasons
1. She knows that if she leaves the food inside the house, i will make a mess (mind you.... her idea of mess is any reminence or sign that life has passed through her house)
2. She knows I am too lazy to get the food and take it inside and eat it. So she leaves a plate out there with cuttlery and the food is still warm in the oven.
So I head straight for the outside kitchen. I enter through the garage door and make my way toward the kitchen. To get to the kitchen, you need to walk through another door, this door was shut on this night.
I head for the door, mind soley focussed on food... I can smell the wonderful aroma of some kind of meat dish, with an extra helping of meat somewhere in there...
I notice a flickering of light under the door, someone is in there watching TV. Hmmm I thought, It's monday night....... Ahhh.... Big Brother Uncut. It must be my bro the dirty bastard watching it outside away from my parents. I shift into a higher gear so that he has no time to respond, I open the door and this is what i saw, I kid you not...
I see a TV with a video playing, a video i recognise, (A red light district film if im not mistaken) However, the top of this person's head facing the other way sitting on the couch was a head that i didn't automatically recognise, given that it wasn't who i was expecting...........
After rubbing my eyes and making sure i wasn't seeing things, i could safety deduce that it was my dear father having a manly moment on his own.
I felt a convulsion of laughter brewing, a convulsion that would not be contained. I knew that if i caught him in the act and laughing at the same time, i would be begging for death as it would be less painful.
I slowly closed the door and ran for the nearest exit......
After about 5 minutes of laughing madness and total disbelief, i gathered enough strength to venture inside. My mum was on the couch wathcing Tv and my bro was on the computer. I ran to my brother and told him, he could and would not believe me, he had to see for himself. Boom he was off.... I grabbed him by the jumper and said " I have a better idea"!
"Mum, what have you done in the outside kitchen, I think you better go and have a look?" I said, as i re entered the living room.
Any time I question anything to do with my mum's cooking or kitchen, it recieves her undivided attention.
Up she gets to investage what she thinks is her beloved kitchen. Oh the un contrillable joy and laughter swelling inside both myself and my brother was begining to hurt somewhat.
She swings open the door, uncertain of what she would find. She was greeted by my father having the time of his life.
She goes straight for throat..........
"Im gonna choke you till there is no more breath in your lungs"!!!
"just before you pass out, I will let you breathe then choke you again!" "Im living with three animals.... Pigs..... What's wrong with all. She turns to us
We are on the floor, it was too much, we had to give in. I have never laughed at anything so hard before. I held onto my brother for dear life, as though i would not be able to return if i let him go!!
"Donkey, You are a 50 year old Donkey". Even Donkey's at the age of 50 can be taught right and wrong, your worse than a donkey"! She picked up the stick that she uses when she goes walking.
Ever seen a group of european ladies having an afternoon stroll, and they all carry long thin sticks. It hillarious to see, not sure why though... Could be because they walked everywhere they went back home and being farmers, i would say they would have had to beat off a predetor or two along the way.
She starts whipping him with it. It was gold, My father, Mr Man of Men, the hard man, the tough guy, busted watching porn and now getting caned like a naughty school boy.
He noticed us laughing........ He cottoned on........ . In one fell swoop, he got up disposed of my mum, grabbed a piece of cable from the floor and went directly for us.
"Is this how you treat your father?!" The shame and guilt he was experiencing must have been unimaginable. What better way to take it out then to take it out on those who are receiving the most joy from it?
He chased us around the back yard and was never gonna catch us, but we played along, which further infuriated him. Tears of joy along the way...
My bro and i have a sense of hunour that is not doesn't rub off on our parents. It's quite wicked and very incorrect, as im sure you can now see.
Next morning, still coming down from that incredible high of catching my father on the job and watcvhing him get caned by my mum was, even funnier.
He cornered my brother in the hallway, there was nowhere left to run.
My brother started taking backward steps, my father taking indiscriminate swipes of the open hand variety.
Swing one... A miss
Swing two.... A miss
Swing three... A miss
Hhey, stand still or i will remove your legs from their socket"!
One more swipe, he misses...
My bro backs into the wall, nowhere left to run. My dad lines lines him up, goes to hit him for six, my bro ducks and my old man put a hole in the hallway wall (still there today, mind you) My brother let out the laugh that echoed the house, he was scared for a moment then he saw the humour. He ran off and took off for the day.
So there we were, like two cowboys, staring eachother down, who throws down first?
"You tell anyone of this, I will burn you alive!"
A big cheesy grin was on my face, I asked whether he at least enjoyed himself, as i walked off.
He took his slipper off and direct hit, right in the back of the head. I dared not turn around and keep walikng of into the sunset. So proud, so very proud.
This story is something our house has never spoken about since and a story that I love telling. How good.
So she cooks outside.
In this little kitchen area there just so happens to be a TV and VCR...... Now your thinking "Here we go", I hear you say, "The Dog is about to get shafted."
I say never rely on predictabilty when it comes to my family.
It's about 9.30 pm and i have arrived home from a mates joint and am feeling rather peckish. As a family we usually eat as though we live alone, we sit down whenever we are hungry and just eat, usually we eat at fractured intervals. I cant remeber the last time we sat down together and spoke about our day, just the thought is funny in itself.
Mum usually cooks and leaves the food in the outside kitchen. She does this for a number of reasons
1. She knows that if she leaves the food inside the house, i will make a mess (mind you.... her idea of mess is any reminence or sign that life has passed through her house)
2. She knows I am too lazy to get the food and take it inside and eat it. So she leaves a plate out there with cuttlery and the food is still warm in the oven.
So I head straight for the outside kitchen. I enter through the garage door and make my way toward the kitchen. To get to the kitchen, you need to walk through another door, this door was shut on this night.
I head for the door, mind soley focussed on food... I can smell the wonderful aroma of some kind of meat dish, with an extra helping of meat somewhere in there...
I notice a flickering of light under the door, someone is in there watching TV. Hmmm I thought, It's monday night....... Ahhh.... Big Brother Uncut. It must be my bro the dirty bastard watching it outside away from my parents. I shift into a higher gear so that he has no time to respond, I open the door and this is what i saw, I kid you not...
I see a TV with a video playing, a video i recognise, (A red light district film if im not mistaken) However, the top of this person's head facing the other way sitting on the couch was a head that i didn't automatically recognise, given that it wasn't who i was expecting...........
After rubbing my eyes and making sure i wasn't seeing things, i could safety deduce that it was my dear father having a manly moment on his own.
I felt a convulsion of laughter brewing, a convulsion that would not be contained. I knew that if i caught him in the act and laughing at the same time, i would be begging for death as it would be less painful.
I slowly closed the door and ran for the nearest exit......
After about 5 minutes of laughing madness and total disbelief, i gathered enough strength to venture inside. My mum was on the couch wathcing Tv and my bro was on the computer. I ran to my brother and told him, he could and would not believe me, he had to see for himself. Boom he was off.... I grabbed him by the jumper and said " I have a better idea"!
"Mum, what have you done in the outside kitchen, I think you better go and have a look?" I said, as i re entered the living room.
Any time I question anything to do with my mum's cooking or kitchen, it recieves her undivided attention.
Up she gets to investage what she thinks is her beloved kitchen. Oh the un contrillable joy and laughter swelling inside both myself and my brother was begining to hurt somewhat.
She swings open the door, uncertain of what she would find. She was greeted by my father having the time of his life.
She goes straight for throat..........
"Im gonna choke you till there is no more breath in your lungs"!!!
"just before you pass out, I will let you breathe then choke you again!" "Im living with three animals.... Pigs..... What's wrong with all. She turns to us
We are on the floor, it was too much, we had to give in. I have never laughed at anything so hard before. I held onto my brother for dear life, as though i would not be able to return if i let him go!!
"Donkey, You are a 50 year old Donkey". Even Donkey's at the age of 50 can be taught right and wrong, your worse than a donkey"! She picked up the stick that she uses when she goes walking.
Ever seen a group of european ladies having an afternoon stroll, and they all carry long thin sticks. It hillarious to see, not sure why though... Could be because they walked everywhere they went back home and being farmers, i would say they would have had to beat off a predetor or two along the way.
She starts whipping him with it. It was gold, My father, Mr Man of Men, the hard man, the tough guy, busted watching porn and now getting caned like a naughty school boy.
He noticed us laughing........ He cottoned on........ . In one fell swoop, he got up disposed of my mum, grabbed a piece of cable from the floor and went directly for us.
"Is this how you treat your father?!" The shame and guilt he was experiencing must have been unimaginable. What better way to take it out then to take it out on those who are receiving the most joy from it?
He chased us around the back yard and was never gonna catch us, but we played along, which further infuriated him. Tears of joy along the way...
My bro and i have a sense of hunour that is not doesn't rub off on our parents. It's quite wicked and very incorrect, as im sure you can now see.
Next morning, still coming down from that incredible high of catching my father on the job and watcvhing him get caned by my mum was, even funnier.
He cornered my brother in the hallway, there was nowhere left to run.
My brother started taking backward steps, my father taking indiscriminate swipes of the open hand variety.
Swing one... A miss
Swing two.... A miss
Swing three... A miss
Hhey, stand still or i will remove your legs from their socket"!
One more swipe, he misses...
My bro backs into the wall, nowhere left to run. My dad lines lines him up, goes to hit him for six, my bro ducks and my old man put a hole in the hallway wall (still there today, mind you) My brother let out the laugh that echoed the house, he was scared for a moment then he saw the humour. He ran off and took off for the day.
So there we were, like two cowboys, staring eachother down, who throws down first?
"You tell anyone of this, I will burn you alive!"
A big cheesy grin was on my face, I asked whether he at least enjoyed himself, as i walked off.
He took his slipper off and direct hit, right in the back of the head. I dared not turn around and keep walikng of into the sunset. So proud, so very proud.
This story is something our house has never spoken about since and a story that I love telling. How good.