The Dog
6th September 2006, 19:54
Just started going out with my girlfriend at the time who is 5 years older than me and 100% Australian, not too educated in the fine ways of old day Europeans.
She began to get toey but resisted the urge because of the risk (the quite high risk) of my parents returning home. I assured her that my parents would not be home for some time because they were at a function, this put her mind at ease. It was no big deal for her to have someone over at her place, but boy was she about to be in for a rude awakening!
Anyway, let me take you a step back. A few months prior my brother and his partner of 7 years had recently broken up, they had a house together and my mum was so close to having her dreams fulfilled. This would have made my life incrediblely easy, anyway. Up until my bro broke, my mum was quite relaxed about me having my girlfriend over because, my bro, the golden one was getting married and it was ok.
He just broke up with her though, the devestation my mother felt was incredible. Her life was crumbling around her and i was about to find out how her rules were about to become a whole lot more militant.
Anyway, it was becoming quite a noisy session as I stupidly thought that I had at least a few hours before mass exodus. WRONG BET!
BANG BANG BANG!!!! On my door. F$#@ they are home early!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"What are you doing in there?"
"who are you are with?"
"I didn't raise you to bring whores home"
"get away from my son you whore" (all spoken in wog though, so she had no idea what my mum was saying)
"Let me in!"
"Im going to rip your eyes out and i will make that whore watch"
"whore, whore, whore"
I was petrified for a moment, then was overcome by the hilarity of the situation and began to giggle my ass off. My girlfriend however wasn't so amused and literally shit her pants.
I said "Don't worry, ignore her and she will enventually go away, I will walk you out to your car and we can take off".
"Cool" she replied.
As I suspected my mum backed off. I could hear her in the kitchen telling my dad what a piece of shit i was and that "No whore would desecrate her house of holiness".
We just lay there, I was laughing knowing full well that my brother leaving his relationship had now made my life a whole lot harder. I imagined him laughing sticking his finger at me and it was making me smirk. My girlfriend the poor thing was horrified, she was crouched on the corner of the bed, thinking of how she could escape.
As time passed it became eeringly quiet, almost too quiet. I assumed that they must of gone to bed, but i would have heard them trundle down the hallway??? Oh well.....
What happens next actually made my friends gasp for air, now thats saying something!
I could hear something banging at my window, WTF is going on now. I draw back the curtain to find my mother on the other side of the window with my Father's crow bar trying to crack open my window!!! "WTF are you doing you crazy women" I said. "You've lost the plot old lady..."
"Let me In, Im gonna gouge your eyes out!!!!!" "If I get my hands on you I will dismember your arms from your shoulders and bash you with them, slowly so you feel every blow!!"
Fuck she is serious I thought to myself. Next thing i see is my dad taking the crow bar off my mum telling her that she is useless as her starts to chisel into my window.
"Dad what are you doing?" I asked in an exasperated tone, he rolled his eyes as if to say, you try arguing with her.
Right, I thought, time to move. I shut the curtains, collected my girlfriend and headed for the laundry. The laundry window backs onto the side of the house, quick jump over the fence, home free.
Mum cottons on, and she's off. Back in the house scouring for us. "Whore Whore" she's crying. Im crying from laughter, this is not happening I thought. My girfriend is crying for real and is terrified.
We make it out the window, we are now on the side of the house. We walk around to the window facing the living room to watch my mum in full flight.
Ever seen an episode of Scooby Doo when the ghost is chasing the crew and they walk in one door and walk out a different door and you wonder how they moved so fast. That was my mum, she was possesed. "Im going to kill you slowly you animal, so that whore can watch"
"No more in this house, No more whores. Your brother, now you, no more!"
My girlfriend could not believe her eyes as she had never seen anything so
psychotic. We made for her car, got in and as we were reversing she came running out, crow bar in hand, crying and upset. i knew why she was upset, my girfriend didn't care, she thought my mum was crazy, she is far from it.
I got home and told my bro what happened and he felt guitly for a moment before winding up into uncontrollable laughter.
My father literally was holding my mother down with force to stop her unleashing mayhem on my ass. My brother was egging her on to go for the throat. "Mmm big mistake!"
She unloaded on him calling him every name under the sun, dream wrecker, shame that you can spoil all of your poor mother dreams, I am going to poke your brother eyes out, but i will do it because it's you that i want to see hurt. She was out of control!!! We were pissing ourselves laughing so much that we had to leave, it was making it worse for her. So we did, and she was asleep when we got back.
Phew what a night that was.
Mind you my partner and I lasted 5 years. Why she stayed after that night was something that would never make sense to me.
She began to get toey but resisted the urge because of the risk (the quite high risk) of my parents returning home. I assured her that my parents would not be home for some time because they were at a function, this put her mind at ease. It was no big deal for her to have someone over at her place, but boy was she about to be in for a rude awakening!
Anyway, let me take you a step back. A few months prior my brother and his partner of 7 years had recently broken up, they had a house together and my mum was so close to having her dreams fulfilled. This would have made my life incrediblely easy, anyway. Up until my bro broke, my mum was quite relaxed about me having my girlfriend over because, my bro, the golden one was getting married and it was ok.
He just broke up with her though, the devestation my mother felt was incredible. Her life was crumbling around her and i was about to find out how her rules were about to become a whole lot more militant.
Anyway, it was becoming quite a noisy session as I stupidly thought that I had at least a few hours before mass exodus. WRONG BET!
BANG BANG BANG!!!! On my door. F$#@ they are home early!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"What are you doing in there?"
"who are you are with?"
"I didn't raise you to bring whores home"
"get away from my son you whore" (all spoken in wog though, so she had no idea what my mum was saying)
"Let me in!"
"Im going to rip your eyes out and i will make that whore watch"
"whore, whore, whore"
I was petrified for a moment, then was overcome by the hilarity of the situation and began to giggle my ass off. My girlfriend however wasn't so amused and literally shit her pants.
I said "Don't worry, ignore her and she will enventually go away, I will walk you out to your car and we can take off".
"Cool" she replied.
As I suspected my mum backed off. I could hear her in the kitchen telling my dad what a piece of shit i was and that "No whore would desecrate her house of holiness".
We just lay there, I was laughing knowing full well that my brother leaving his relationship had now made my life a whole lot harder. I imagined him laughing sticking his finger at me and it was making me smirk. My girlfriend the poor thing was horrified, she was crouched on the corner of the bed, thinking of how she could escape.
As time passed it became eeringly quiet, almost too quiet. I assumed that they must of gone to bed, but i would have heard them trundle down the hallway??? Oh well.....
What happens next actually made my friends gasp for air, now thats saying something!
I could hear something banging at my window, WTF is going on now. I draw back the curtain to find my mother on the other side of the window with my Father's crow bar trying to crack open my window!!! "WTF are you doing you crazy women" I said. "You've lost the plot old lady..."
"Let me In, Im gonna gouge your eyes out!!!!!" "If I get my hands on you I will dismember your arms from your shoulders and bash you with them, slowly so you feel every blow!!"
Fuck she is serious I thought to myself. Next thing i see is my dad taking the crow bar off my mum telling her that she is useless as her starts to chisel into my window.
"Dad what are you doing?" I asked in an exasperated tone, he rolled his eyes as if to say, you try arguing with her.
Right, I thought, time to move. I shut the curtains, collected my girlfriend and headed for the laundry. The laundry window backs onto the side of the house, quick jump over the fence, home free.
Mum cottons on, and she's off. Back in the house scouring for us. "Whore Whore" she's crying. Im crying from laughter, this is not happening I thought. My girfriend is crying for real and is terrified.
We make it out the window, we are now on the side of the house. We walk around to the window facing the living room to watch my mum in full flight.
Ever seen an episode of Scooby Doo when the ghost is chasing the crew and they walk in one door and walk out a different door and you wonder how they moved so fast. That was my mum, she was possesed. "Im going to kill you slowly you animal, so that whore can watch"
"No more in this house, No more whores. Your brother, now you, no more!"
My girlfriend could not believe her eyes as she had never seen anything so
psychotic. We made for her car, got in and as we were reversing she came running out, crow bar in hand, crying and upset. i knew why she was upset, my girfriend didn't care, she thought my mum was crazy, she is far from it.
I got home and told my bro what happened and he felt guitly for a moment before winding up into uncontrollable laughter.
My father literally was holding my mother down with force to stop her unleashing mayhem on my ass. My brother was egging her on to go for the throat. "Mmm big mistake!"
She unloaded on him calling him every name under the sun, dream wrecker, shame that you can spoil all of your poor mother dreams, I am going to poke your brother eyes out, but i will do it because it's you that i want to see hurt. She was out of control!!! We were pissing ourselves laughing so much that we had to leave, it was making it worse for her. So we did, and she was asleep when we got back.
Phew what a night that was.
Mind you my partner and I lasted 5 years. Why she stayed after that night was something that would never make sense to me.